Naging usapin sa Bagong Nanay Community on Viber kung paano nila dinidisiplina ang kanilang mga anak, particularly toddlers age 1-3. Yung tipong ang cute nila pero ang kukulit din nila. Naging healthy ang diskurso, kaya naman naisip kong dalhin sa Bagong Nanay Community on Instagram ang usaping ito.

Tinanong ko ang mga Bagong Nanays on Instagram kung saang team sila panig: #TeamPayo o #TeamPalo. Maraming nag-share ng kanilang mga kuwento bilang bata, at mga paninindigan nila ngayong magulang na sila. At mula sa dalawa, nahati sa maraming teams ang mga nanays.

Read more and let me know sa comment anong naging insight mo:

1. #TeamPayo: Based on my experience, palo didn’t work and I will not do it to my child.

Sabi ni Mommy reginalynj, she’s against palo because she experienced it multiple times as a child. “It did gave me a bad memory/trauma. That created a gap between me and my parents. Ayoko maranasan yun ng kids ko. Besides, at the end of the day, our toddlers/children are still learning. Tayo din. Hindi man tayo perfect as parents to give advice to our children, but we are enough for them, sa simpleng pagintindi lang muna sa kanila.”

Sangayon dito si Mommy empressanderithel, who said she grew up with all palo and bugbog without even explaining what she did wrong. “Kaya sabi ko kapag naging nanay na ako, I make sure na hindi nila mararanasan ito. Kaya ngayon more on payo ako. Tayong mga nanay, akala natin hindi tayo naiintindihan ng kid/s natin dahil nakatitig lang sila o kung minsan patay malisya. Pero they are like sponge. They absorb everything.”

Sabi naman ni mommy_alexies na lumaki din sa palo at bugbog, na iniiwasan niya talaga makasakit dahil ayaw niya maranasan ng kids niya ang naranasan niya before. “Kinakausap ko muna siya pero minsan di talaga umuubra kaya napapalo pa rin, pero after naman non nag-so-sorry ako at kinakausap siya bat ko nagawa ‘yon. And then she always say sorry rin pagtapos namin magusap.”

Sabi ni Mommy cybilmalipot, she also grew up with all palo. “It’s true that it has helped me toughen up, but its uncertain if it will have the same effect at my son. I think we cannot under estimate the capability of our children to understand. Naiintindihan nila tayo kahit those big round eyes just stare at us! Alam ko sa pit ng stomach ko na naiintindihan niya ako! Lol”

Agree din si Mommy mrs.brightside_ph. “Payo. Kasi kahit ako noon, hanggang ngayon naman din mas nakakaintindi o natututo sa payo kaysa palo.”

Si Mommy Sha of simplybabymnl din said she grew up with palo. “Until now I’m still dealing with issues. Kaya ngayong nanay na ako, pinipilit ko maging mindful and responsive parent. Ang hirap lang talaga minsan dahil sobrang kulit na. Madalas pa rin magakamali pero I stop at sigaw. Still not the right way but we’re human. Lagi ko na lang iniisip na yung behavior nya is developmentally appropriate sa age nya. We’re both learning.”

2. #TeamPalo, pero depende sa situation and with reservations

Ayon naman kay Mommy Chee, theintrosocial, “to be honest, okay din naman ang palo pero siguro mild lang tsaka nabasa ko noon dapat meron kang isang item na like stick or belt na gagamitin mo kapag paparusahan sya, hindi daw kamay. Kasi yun kamay, para yan sa touch of love. Para sakin, pag naulit na nya kahit ilan beses sabihan, need na ng punishment, with explanation.”

Ayon naman kay Mommy Jemmalyn ng awfhmomslife, both. “Hindi kasi effective yung parating payo there are instances na need ng palo to set boundaries. Meron kasi talagang mga batang madaling kausap at pagsabihan. Meron naman na sadyang nanunubok like my toddler. Paulit-ulit ipipilit hanggang mapalo.”

Sabi naman ni Mommy Lan of mothernurture_main, payo muna, pero minsan need ng palo, pero dapat hindi galit if ever need mamalo. “In our family, as much as possible iniiwasan may masaktan. Kausapin muna in private, and if need na paluin, we explain why and in private din.”

Ayon kay Mommy Stephanie aka thechinkymommy, she spanks her child but she has guidelines. Some of these are posted on her Instagram. “I never spank when I am angry. I spank in private. I will explain the reason why I spank them. I validate their feelings, hug and assure them that I love them, and then we say a prayer of confession to Jesus.”

Si mommychriszy naman, may levels. “Depende sa nagawang kasalanan pag level 1-3 lang Payo. Pag level 4-10 na need na Palo. She also quotes
Proverbs 13:24 from the Bible: “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.”

Ayon kay mommapearly, it depends also sa situation, but if may physical punishment, she prefers a little pinching or “kurot.” Then after a few minutes, talk to the child and explain why you did, what you did. I believe it is also important that an early age, a child should be aware about consequences para as they grow older, gradually, they can be careful also with their choices in life.”

Dagdag pa ni Mommy Pearly, “I learned a saying that is usual daw in the US “small children, small problem, big children, big problem” so to prevent “big problems” prevent it early on. I also believe wala namang masama sa pagpalo, wag lang labis, alam naman natin na kahit anong labis/sobra ay masama at gawin lamang ito sa private, o sa sariling area at huwag sa harap ng madaming tao para hindi maramdaman ng bata na napapahiya siya.”

“Pero I also believe na setting the idea of consequence at an early age keeps a healthy parent-child relationship, because you can be like a barkada kind of relationship but a higher respect and sense of authority will always be there. I know a few kasi hindi sila masyado napagalitan when they were younger and even in their teenage years, the result, they can manipulate their parents, na sila ang madalas masunod or mas parang sila pa ang may authority over the parents. I do not blame the parents perhaps it’s their dynamics at home talaga and that’s their way of love AND I am not saying too na this will always be the end result, but there will always be chances.”

3. #TeamProperGuidance

Eto naman ang pananaw ni Mommy C-ann aka hirayaaa, “Nakafocus ako sa pagbuild ng connection at tinatry ko na bawasan or huwag masyadong magfocus sa correction. Iniiwasan ko ang shaming at blaming o paninisi o paggawa ng something na makakasira sa self worth ng mga anak ko. Syempre hindi madali. Mahirap magpigil ng emosyon lalo na kapag traditional parenting ang kinalakhan natin.”

Ayon kay Mommy C-ann, ang pagpapalaki ng mga bata ay more than just managing their behavior. “Para sa akin, importanteng ituring sila na mga mabuting tao at hindi i-label na “makulit” o “pasaway” dahil mga bata silang nageexplore pa lang ng mundo at ng kaya nilang gawin. Ang pag-focus ko sa pag-connect with them ay pagkilala sa kanila bilang mga buo nang tao na unti-unting nagbubloom. Andito lang ako bilang guide.”

“I believe lessons reach them better when the connection is strong,” sabi rin ni Mommy ritalovesbranding.

Sang-ayon din dito si Mommy ryam_rics. “I came from a dysfunctional family and all those physical/emotional abuse didn’t help for my well being as a child. In fact, it became worst. As a mother, I realized that proper guidance is necessary for my child. Shaming or hurting as form of discipline will just lead them to trauma. There’s no perfect mother same as our children, we are all learning and we can always practice patience and mindful parenting.”

Dagdag pa ni Mommy xingogaoiran, “They are smarter than what you think they are. Naiintindihan nila ang mga sinasabi natin. Kailangan lang maayos ang pagpapaliwanag.”

Yan din ang sagot ni Mommy joselleona, “Too unfair for toddlers to be expected to be as mature as adults. Non verbal pa sila mostly.”

4. #TeamHelpMomsWithTheirNeedsSoWeCanBePatientWith OurKids

Ayon kay Mommy Chesca of studiomaria.formamas, siya ay Team Payo din dahil ang mga toddlers ay wala pang impulse control. “Di sila nananadya, di lang pa talaga nila kaya kontrolin. (Tayo nga di natin makontrol minsan galit natin diba? At this age hehe).

But I am also team *help moms with their needs so that we have the headspace to be patient and understanding of our kids* ♥️ Kasi diba pag gutom, pagod, puyat, stressed ka, mas maikli pasensya mo.”

Kung paano matutulungan ang mga strong moms na tinatawag, sumali sa conversation ng Studio Maria sa IG.

Final note

At the end of the day, walang panalo at talo sa mga nanay na ito. Wala ring hidwaan dahil lahat tayo ay mga work-in-progress. Personally, hindi ako napalo ng aking mga magulang, at ako ay nagtrabaho noon sa Bantay Bata 163 kung saan nakasalamuha ko ang mga batang nakaranas ng matinding physical abuse.

Pero hindi nangangahulugan na hindi ko kailanman mapapalo ang aking anak. Ang aking anak na dinala ko ng siyam na buwan sa sinapupunan, ni hindi pinapadapuan ng langaw at lamok, at laging may binibilhan ng taho o Happy Meal. Mga nanay tayo na may hangganan din, at madalas, nasa sa atin ang control.

Naniniwala ako sa lahat ng pananaw ng mga Bagong Nanays, pero nais kong i-emphasize ang sinabi ni Mommy Chesca. Bilang isang Maternal Mental Health advocate, napakahalaga sa atin na mag-observe ng mga habits kung saan magiging mas masaya, mabuti, at patient tayong mga nanay. [Kung paano maaachieve ito, pwede niyong basahin ang Mental Health Wellness activity book na ito ng Doctors Without Borders.]

Self-care is not selfish

Hindi kailangang drastic ang changes para maging healthy ka, Bagong Nanay. Pwedeng magsimula ka lang sa pagkakaroon ng self-care routine. Kahit 10 minutes lang for yourself everyday. Yan ang ikakampanya namin this Women’s Month, kasama ang apat pang mga nanays.

We want you to #Take10Mama. Take 10 minutes for yourself, everyday. So that you can better care for others.

Dahil kung tayo mismo ay malusog ang pangangatawan, damdamin at isip, mas makakapag-discern tayo ng maayos sa lahat ng ating gagawin, including discipline. Higit sa lahat, ieemphasize ko din ang paghingi ng tulong. Naiintindihan ko na mahirap maging healthy, pero kakayanin natin yan kung mayroon tayong tulong mula sa ating partner, pamilya, mga kaibigan, o support group. Higit sa lahat, sa Diyos.

Uulitin ko, lahat tayo ay work in progress. Hindi ibig sabihin na kung pinapalo mo ang anak mo ay masamang magulang ka, at kung hindi mo pinapalo ay mabuting magulang ka. Iba-iba ang ating mga anak, iba-iba tayong mga nanay, at sa tingin ko, ang pinaka-nagkakaisa tayong lahat ay gusto nating magtulungan dahil hindi natin ito kaya mag-isa.

Again, #BagongNanaysEMPOWERBagongNanays

Sabi nga ni Mommy Victoria Dang sa kanyang book na “Go Momshie,” “real moms fix each other’s crowns.”

Ikaw, Bagong Nanay, anong masasabi mo?

Need another Bagong Nanay to talk to? Join the Bagong Nanay Community on Viber!